I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years musing about the importance of rituals, particularly those that bring us pleasure. I think of pleasure rituals as those acts that we do regularly, with some level of ceremony, that are enjoyable and contribute to our overall sense of well-being.
I started to think about the importance of having pleasure rituals while writing my second book, Seeking Sexual Freedom: African Rites, Rituals, and Sankofa in the Bedroom. A lot of my thinking around pleasure was influenced by interviews with two people I featured in my book: Nakashwa, a Namibian “witch,” and Sunja Konji, a Zimbabwean “rope master” who lives in South Africa.
Lessons from African ‘Sexperts’
One of the things that struck me in my conversations with both Nakashwa and Sunja Konji is that they take their solo masturbation sessions very seriously. They plan ahead, they lay out their tools of choice, they may choose to burn a herb or light incense, and they pre-plan what kind of “aftercare” they would like. In Sunja Konji’s case, he even sets aside some treats in readiness for his post-orgasmic glow-up!
That level of intentionality and forethought around masturbation was, for me, mind-blowing and also inspiring. What if I treated my solo pleasure sessions like I was preparing myself to receive a new lover? What if I spent time dressing up to meet myself?
The Reality of a “Dry” Year
The real irony is that last year I had less sex than I have had in roughly fifteen years - basically since I entered my “ho phase” when I turned 30. There were a couple of reasons for that. I was overwhelmed with work, and writing a book while running two businesses. I am also a solo parent of a delightful and extremely precocious child. I am not complaining; as the Akans say, “Ɔkɔtɔ nwo anoma” (A crab does not give birth to a bird).
Furthermore, I no longer live in a prime part of Accra where it’s easy to go out on dates and meet new people. Now, every new encounter requires saying goodbye to a tearful child who only wants her mother to stay home, followed by a two-hour return journey on a treacherous motorway, only to what? Meet somebody that I may or may not have a connection with? In the past year, it just hasn’t felt worthwhile to date, and definitely not worth the cost of interrupting my child’s bedtime routine and emotional regulation. What completely dried up my well was that I lost interest in all my old lovers. In the past, whenever I went through a dry spell, I would just holler at someone from my past. But now I have concluded that all my romantic exes need to stay in the past. They didn’t last the distance for very good reasons, and so there is no need to holler at them just because I’m horny. This means that the very few dalliances I’ve had this year have ended up happening on trips abroad when I’ve been on holiday or had a bit of space and time in between work trips to connect with new people.
However, in spite of 2025 being a year of very little sexual pleasure, it was one where going on almost daily walks became the activity that brought me back to my body and gave me much-needed solo time. It was also the year where I realized how much I needed solitude and just to spend time in the beautiful home I have created for myself. 2025 was also a year where I started to re-learn new ways to nourish my body, and spent more time cooking delicious healthy foods in my kitchen. Those were my pleasure rituals in 2025.
Harnessing the Energy of a Fresh Start
I love to harness the energy of a fresh start, and in the newness of 2026, I have been thinking about the importance of intention-setting around pleasure. I’ve been asking myself what I want to continue, start, and stop in this area of my life.
In general, I find “Continue, Start, Stop” exercises to be a useful methodology to reflect on what one is already doing well, what one needs to let go of, and what new habits need to be created. For myself, in this new year, I intend to focus on the following:
Category
Intentions & Rituals
Continue
• Daily Movement: Walking regularly while listening to podcasts or audiobooks.
• Culinary Joy: Cooking nutritious, relaxing meals for myself.
• Community: Hosting friends for dinners, game nights, and re-connection time.
Start
• Intentional Solo Play: Scheduling ritualistic quarterly “solo pleasure dates”.
• Alone Time: Sending my little one to Grandma’s for occasional weekends so I can enjoy a quiet house on Sundays.
• Making Travel Fun Again: Adding “pleasure days” to work trips for dating and exploration.
• Social Movement: Incorporating walking dates with friends.
Stop
• Nothing: I am currently in a space where no behaviors are actively interrupting my pleasure. Realising this fills me with joy, because it shows how far along I have travelled on my pleasure journey.
Doing this table was a fascinating activity. There actually isn’t anything I want to stop doing. I imagine for some folks “being in their heads during sex” or “going along with a sexual activity because their partner demands it” may be behaviors they would benefit from stopping... but I am lucky. At this stage in my life, all I can think about are activities I want to continue or start, which in and of itself is really good feedback.
Photo credit: Diego Asamoa
The Sankofa of Pleasure
As I look back at this map of my intentions for 2026, I realize I am practicing my own form of Sankofa. By reaching back to the wisdom I gathered from Nakashwa and Sunja Konji, and in reclaiming the parts of myself that felt buried under the weight of solo parenting and work, I am fetching what was lost and bringing it into my present. These rituals are more than just items on a list; they are a sacred commitment to myself. In a world that often demands we give our energy away to our children, our work, and our communities, ritualising my pleasure is an act of resistance. It is a reminder that pleasure doesn’t have to be something I wait to receive from another. It is a ceremony I am fully capable of hosting for myself.
What pleasure rituals would you like to continue, start, or stop this year?
Loved this “That level of intentionality and forethought around masturbation was, for me, mind-blowing and also inspiring.”
I just wrote a piece on how to have good sex and I think that we have some interesting overlap!